Decision made.

after reading the comments on my current situation i have made a decision. and quite frankly i think its one of the smartest decisions ive made in a long time.  after a week of wondering.  im positive this is the best decision for me.  i wanna thank everyone who commented on my last post.  your words were very powerful and helped me realize everything i should have known for the past year. thank you again.  and as for the sickness, well its leaving! and im extatic.  i cant wait to be a healthy Cari again.  being sick is seriously the biggest downer of them all.
anyways this weekend is shaping up to be a rather enjoyable one. yesterday night the ching-a-ling, twevor, riskybusiness and i watched the haunting in conneticut.(i really cannot spell today) it was not a wise choice being as im deathly afraid of the paranormal. good thing i did not have any nightmares. (yes i get nightmares still from scary movies like a little baby) and today i get to hang out with my P.I.C(partner in crime) i havent been able to hang out with her in the longest time. and hopefully tomorrow ill get to see fred. my senior year isnt turning out exactly how i had imagined it would. but im still happy and to me thats all that matters in life.

Sickness will be the end of me

so i have established that losing my voice is one of the worst things that can happen to me.  for those of you who know me, you know that i talk alot. well not alot. alot would be an understatement. but i dont know any words that mean more than a lot. so like i said i talk alot. and me not being able to talk would be like... hmm... empting out Donald Trumps bank account. if you get that analogy. haha. well today has been not a good day. its hard listening to your words come out of someone elses mouth (even if she is your best friend). it made me feel helpless, like i had no voice of my own, like i wasnt important enough for a voice. i know that seems big but thats honestly how i felt.  dont get me wrong nicole did a fantastic job reading what i wrote, shes the only person who i would have wanted to read it because we are such close friends but there is a certian feeling a writer puts into their reading because they know exactly how they want it to be read. they know exactly what word to put the emphasis on in a sentence. they know what words their scribbles actually mean. they just know. they wrote it. i know this shouldnt bug me as much as it does but writing is something really very personal to me.  its been my escape for as long as i remember. from a letter to my best friend in the sixth grade to a chicken scratch poem writen for my mom in kindergarten to the words ive writen in my creative writing note book for the past several months. its all been and expression, an escape, an adventure im waiting to have. its been something i wish i was and something im glad im not. its been my truth and my lies. its been my imagination. its been me. 
anyways besides the nonvoicehavingness ive been really grumpy all day (another reason why today sucks) and when im grumpy i take it out on the people closest to me and then they get mad at me and its one big long cycle that really isnt worth my time but constantly goes on anyway because i can never seem to control my horrible grumpyness. thats something i need to work on this year so that i can be closer to my goal of being a better person before i have to be thrown into the real world filled with people who really arent gonna care about anything. i will refuse to be like them. i will always care. its in my dna.
with all this comes what happened last night (which is the main reason why my day today sucked butt).  a person who has long been out of my life decided to pop back into it.  he sent me a friend request on facebook. (really facebook? wow your really cool) and its still sitting there. i dont know if i have enough energy to be his friend.  every time he "wants to be friends" it always sky rockets out of control and im the one left hurt.  but at the same time im always the one who lets him back in.  im the one who cares to much for my own good. so im torn. i dont know what to do. do i accept the stupid friend request and take the risk of getting hurt again or possibly it going smoothly. or do i deny it right off the bat and never know what was the real motive.. because thats what its always about with him. its always about the motive. but until i make up my mind im torn. i wish things werent always so complicated. but we make them that way i guess.