Packing is honestly one of the most frustrating things in the world. I hope that when i get older if i have children that i will be able to provide a consistant home for them and that they wont have to worry about moving tooo much.. Seeing as i am joining the military this is not exactly a likely senario.. But hey maybe i just wont have kids.
Anyways. Im officially moved out of my house and living at my aunts. Im not sure how i feel about this change as of yet but once i decide i will let you know.
And good news i have an appointment with a plastic surgen this up coming wednesday to talk about getting my ear holes closed! I know that sounds a little extravagant but when you get the opportunity to join the airforce with one set back. The one set back being something you regret. And someone agrees to pay for it for you.... You take it
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Dreams
last night i had a dream. well it wasnt actually a dream it was more like a nightmare with funny ties here and there attempting to brighten up the mood.
you see i have really vivid nightmares. like im actually there, actually touching the people and things that are around me, actually feeling each inhale and exhale. it can be quite scary at times.
basically i had a wack-o dream last night with a lot of odd charactors but like i said earlier it was as if they were only trying to brighten the mood. at the end of the dream my father was dying in my arms after a car crash.
i woke up with tears streaming down my face, my heart was pounding, and i could hardly breathe.
I dont know whether this dream is tied to me being affraid of my dad dying or if its me being afraid of having to leave my dad. none the less it sent me into a complete depression all day. i didnt want to talk to anyone, I didnt want to make eye contact with any one i just wanted to be me seperate from everyone else, distant from everyone else. and still i cant put my finger on the meaning of the dream or why it has made me feel the way that i do.
you see i have really vivid nightmares. like im actually there, actually touching the people and things that are around me, actually feeling each inhale and exhale. it can be quite scary at times.
basically i had a wack-o dream last night with a lot of odd charactors but like i said earlier it was as if they were only trying to brighten the mood. at the end of the dream my father was dying in my arms after a car crash.
i woke up with tears streaming down my face, my heart was pounding, and i could hardly breathe.
I dont know whether this dream is tied to me being affraid of my dad dying or if its me being afraid of having to leave my dad. none the less it sent me into a complete depression all day. i didnt want to talk to anyone, I didnt want to make eye contact with any one i just wanted to be me seperate from everyone else, distant from everyone else. and still i cant put my finger on the meaning of the dream or why it has made me feel the way that i do.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Butter Back Breast Free
The world slows down around me
until all I can focus on is the adrenalin, the nerves,
and the 25 yards ahead of me.
I chant to myself
a phrase I was taught as a child
"butter my back so my breasts are free"
I chant until I can feel the rhythm
flowing through me
like the constant waves in the water
It is my turn to prove my worth,
as I step up to the block
my heart beat begins to calm.
I know I can do this,
all doubt seeps out of me
and time stands to wait.
I step onto my pedistule of glory
and the anouncer speaks emotionless
"Swimmers take your marks"
When I hear the buzzer I automatically
take a flying leap.
The race for time has begun
The only thing on my mind is the other side of the pool
"Get your Balls on the wall"
I know what I have to do.
I go through the motions like I have since I was Six
but it all feels so new to me,
the rush, the euphoria, the fear of being a dissappointment
The end draws near
and by the time my head pops up out of the water
I'm the only one at the wall
Victory is sheer bliss
My fist in the air attracks a smile from my coach
and I know this is where I was meant to be
until all I can focus on is the adrenalin, the nerves,
and the 25 yards ahead of me.
I chant to myself
a phrase I was taught as a child
"butter my back so my breasts are free"
I chant until I can feel the rhythm
flowing through me
like the constant waves in the water
It is my turn to prove my worth,
as I step up to the block
my heart beat begins to calm.
I know I can do this,
all doubt seeps out of me
and time stands to wait.
I step onto my pedistule of glory
and the anouncer speaks emotionless
"Swimmers take your marks"
When I hear the buzzer I automatically
take a flying leap.
The race for time has begun
The only thing on my mind is the other side of the pool
"Get your Balls on the wall"
I know what I have to do.
I go through the motions like I have since I was Six
but it all feels so new to me,
the rush, the euphoria, the fear of being a dissappointment
The end draws near
and by the time my head pops up out of the water
I'm the only one at the wall
Victory is sheer bliss
My fist in the air attracks a smile from my coach
and I know this is where I was meant to be
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
My Favorite Movie.
Over the years my favorite movie has gone from Pete's Dragon at the age of five, to The Breakfast Club at the age of ten, to 10 Things I Hate About You at the age of 13, to Pride and Prejudice at the age of 15. But I think my favorite movie now says the most about me.
My favorite movie now is True Grit, not the new one with though, I'm talking about the old one with John Wayne. I can remember watching that movie with my grandpa growing up.
My grandpa was my favorite person in the world. I can remember trying to find any excuse to go to his house after school just so I could hang out with him. He taught me alot in the short time I was close with him. He taught me physical things like how to crack an egg and how to set a table, but he also taught me how to be the kindest you could be to anyone who crosses your path. He was the most wonderful man in the world.
So like I was saying, my favorite movie is True Grit. Now my grandpa would say that it wasn't Johns' best movie but thats not the purpose. I don't want my favorite movie to be someone elses. My favorite movie has meaning, it has memory, it has my grandpa.
Yeah I know that it's random for an 18 year old girl in 2011 to have a favorite movie that is a western, but I think that also fits me. I'm not exactly an ordinary gal if you all hadn't noticed yet.
I'm sure I could come up with more reasons why it just so happens to be my favorite movie that's all for now. :)
My favorite movie now is True Grit, not the new one with though, I'm talking about the old one with John Wayne. I can remember watching that movie with my grandpa growing up.
My grandpa was my favorite person in the world. I can remember trying to find any excuse to go to his house after school just so I could hang out with him. He taught me alot in the short time I was close with him. He taught me physical things like how to crack an egg and how to set a table, but he also taught me how to be the kindest you could be to anyone who crosses your path. He was the most wonderful man in the world.
So like I was saying, my favorite movie is True Grit. Now my grandpa would say that it wasn't Johns' best movie but thats not the purpose. I don't want my favorite movie to be someone elses. My favorite movie has meaning, it has memory, it has my grandpa.
Yeah I know that it's random for an 18 year old girl in 2011 to have a favorite movie that is a western, but I think that also fits me. I'm not exactly an ordinary gal if you all hadn't noticed yet.
I'm sure I could come up with more reasons why it just so happens to be my favorite movie that's all for now. :)
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