Winter.

Winter has never been my season.
the cold chill of its breeze makes me long
for loving arms.

It will be a long December.
every leaf to fall on my path, every shiver
that runs up my spine,
will remind me of you.

The fog will surround me.
a genuine central valley winter
i cant take anymore.

Round here everyone will know the truth.
you're gone. your words still warm and alive
all over my mind.

I will leave the Winters breeze, the trees losing
thier leaves,  the chills that run up my spine, and the
fog for you.

But i will take the memories of a central valley winter with me.
because the truth deserves to live on in my heart that
beats alive. rather than in yours that bleeds cold

There's A Big Difference.

your smell, it lingers on my skin.
and with the sudden startling aroama filling my nostrils I am taken back to my time with you.

your sweet mohogany eyes starting into mine only inches away.  your arms rapped around me tightly.  keeping me warm and aware of your pressence.  your noses' cold tip gently caresses mine. more intamate then the most passionate kiss.  your words like a song flowing continuously into my ears. my favorite lullaby.  my fingers run though your never tangled hair.  and i get lost.

my heart is pounding and I cant find my way to the truth.

your lying brown eyes minipulating mine only inches away.  your arms rapped around me tightly.  uncaring and aware of the fact I love you.   your noses' ice cold tip bumps into mine.  urging and having only one dirty deed on your mind.  your words so fakely adoring.  every syllable perfectly placed where I want to hear it.  I run my hair through your ratted hair.  and i am found.

Every time i hear your voice in a crowded room.  Everytime i see your car parked against the street curb.  Everytime i feel your eyes staring at me walking by.  my heart wavers a bit from the truth and me hating you to my dream and me loving you. 

you pulled the silk over my eyes. and when i pulled it off it was only dirty wool. 

I am.

I am Cari.  I am a girl.  I have blue eyes when I'm sad, grey eyes when I'm numb to emotion, and green when I'm too pissed off to put my anger into words.  I have crooked teeth.  I have a third nipple and a baby toe that turns on its side when I walk.  I have long brown hair and its my favorite thing about myself.  There isn't many other things I like about myself but there is always my hair.  I have broad shoulders and ear holes that are too big.  I have short legs and long fingers.  I have my fathers nose and my mothers lips, but I have the mind I have created on my own.

I am Cari.  I am a middle child. I am the grand daughter of two women who lost their lives to cancer.  I am the grand daughter of a cancer surviver.  I am the grand daughter of a WWII veteran.  I am the grand daughter of a woman strong enough to give a baby boy up for adoption.  I am the daughter of an addict. I am the daughter of a welfare recipient.  I am the neice of a man who commited suicide.  I am the neice of a heroine addict.  I am the neice of a dislexic woman.  I am the neice of a recovered addict who has her life together again.  I am the sister of an unwed mother.  I am the sister of a violent young boy.  I am the aunt of a little boy who will be better than those before him.

I am Cari.  I am opinionated.  I cannot stand to watch my loved ones be beaten, verbally or physically.  I am crazy and sarcastic.  I can keep you on your toes or let you walk all over me.  I think best when I'm alone.  I have no fashion sense.  I am pro choice.  I walk everywhere because its my cure for life.  I have made monumental mistakes in my life.  I have nightmares more often than I have pleasant dreams.  I sleep talk.  I am a victim and a strong willed human being.  I can over come any obsticle layed before me.  I have never been one to bow down to the steriotypical kingdom of high school. I can't get enough music in my system.  I can watch the same movie seven times in a row if I like it enough.  I will make a difference in the world around me.

I am Cari.  There are too many things about me to put in one blog, for your unknowing eyes to read, to let myself think about in one short period of time.  but heres a look through the window of the house I call my life. Maybe I'll invite you in sometime.

Truth

yesterday i had a dream.
it was dark.
and all i could hear was your voice.
the sweet changes in its tone,
as you went on about the conversation.
the slight lisp youd let me see,
when you knew we were alone.
the way you couldnt quite think of the right words,
so youd hmm like a philosopher deep in thought.
the giggles that would sneek out,
when you knew you said something odd.

yesterday i had a dream.
it was pitch black.
all i could hear was your voice.
i couldnt see the pure green of your eyes,
simple and always too honest.
i couldnt see the pout of your pink lip,
the one imperfection i used to love the most.
i couldnt see the way your body tenses up when you feel sincerely about something,
my one true warning sign that id traveled into deeper water.
i couldnt see the pain flooding over your face,
when i pushed the wrong button.

yesterday i had a nightmare.
it was pitch black.
all i could hear was your voice.
when i woke up all i could do was stare at the ceiling.
my head throbbed from the pain,
that filled my heart.
and i knew,
somehow i knew.
i missed you

Tonight.

i feel great and horrible at the same time.  the powder puff game was exhillarating.  to finally be the one on the feild when the stadium lights are on.. boy. thats a change of perspective.  Good Job Seniors! we proved who should always run this school. when i say it was horrible what i mean is that i was a witch with a capital b.  i said some mean things to someone who i genuinely care for but hurt me really bad and he took them literally.  Yeah... dont get me wrong it made me laugh but still... its kinda like i really dont wanna be the person im being.  If i was on the recieving end of that comment i dont think i would appreciate it very much...  maybe im over thinking it.  maybe he doesnt care like he never has. i dont know... a girl can always dream though...

i should have blogged about it when i had the chance

so basically my life was going splendidly.  my problems were just a speed bump in the back of my mind.  my friends were amazing as usual.  and i had an amazing boy to redirect my thoughts too.  he really was amazing though.  saying every phrase perfectly at all the right moments.  then everything fell apart because of me.. you see on occasion i have a hard time showing emotion towards anyone, even family members mind you, and well the boys brother who is in kowait (i cant spell) bought him and his father tickets to the first game of the world series..  while on the phone with his brother he began to cry.. (when i care about someone if i see them cry it automatically brings tears to my eyes) so i had to turn away.  after all that he came up to me, gave me a hug, and apologized for being so emotional.. i had no words so i blurted out "i couldnt even look at you" (i hate my word vomit very very much) being as he didnt know my little thing about crying he got incredibly defencive. well anyway basically what happened is where not what we were anymore.  and thats why ive been all down lately and the reason why i cried on monday.. i know its stupid of me to cry over a boy. but what you all dont know is it is really hard for me to care about people in that very special way that i care about him.. i havent ever felt this towards someone. not even kenneth for those of you who know that situation.. im so broken up inside currently i dont know what to do with my self.  
He says he doesnt know what he wants and that hes fifty fifty on the fence with what hes going to do and honestly im scared to death of what could happen.. and on top of that i dont know whether i should wait or not.. dont get me wrong he'll always be worth the wait but i dont want to end up flat on my face just like my other situation caused me to be. im just scared. i wish he could understand that. ive tried to explain it to him but he is such a hard head... its pointless to even try.
i hope things go my way but its a common in my life for things to take a turn for the worst when i want them the most.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait.

Let me start off with, my weekend was absolutely amazing.  it all started when some friends and i decided that we were going to ride up to sonora for the football game together.  the ride up there was pretty funny i wont lie. The game was amazing. Good Job Buffs! keep up the good work.  but the ride home thats what really made the big impact on my entire weekend.  The friends that I rode up to Sonora with were Timmey, Tyler, and Mikey.  Lately Mikey and I have been going back and forth about how we feel about one another but finallly on the ride home the truth came out.
He kissed me. and honestly it was the last thing I ever expected to happen between him and I.  and it wasnt just one of those meaningless kisses either it was one that made my stomach turn in knots and left me speachless.  Its been so long since I've felt that with someone. It made me absolutely the happiest girl in the world.
With all this I cant help but be alittle scared though. 
I've been through alot in my life and its been god knows how long since I genuinely felt something this strong towards someone.  And what makes it even harder is the fact that the last person I felt like this towards took advantage of the situation to the T.  I know I shouldnt compare the too and in a way Im not. but Gahhh with all that alarming fear in my gut I cant help but wonder why I'm still giving everything towards this relationship that hasnt even become something real yet.  Maybe everything really does happen for a reason...?

My Life in Ruins

so basically most of you know that lately my life hasnt been... well... up to par. but what you guys dont know is that its gotten a bit worse. well tuesday i got the unpleasing news that my water had been turned off excellent right? wrong. wednesday i talked to mrs.coyan about all the not so great things that are going down in my life and she gave me a new way to look at it. there comes a point in life where the bad things pile up so high that theres nothing that you can do but look at it comically.  some times i dont know what i would do without mrs.coyan. she's always there with her momish anecdotes and her explanations for every question i can think of. dont get me wrong mrs.haskett is amazing at most of these things as well its just i dunno mrs.coyan is just well... mrs.coyan. im definitely going to miss her so much once i graduate. ill probably come back and see her all the time.  well sorry for the continuous lower case writing. its just somethings just have to come out so fast that there isnt time to worry about capitalization.

The Story of Me

so ive decided to blogg every day.  even if its just a little bit.  i have a feeling it wont happen as often as i want it to but hey a girl can try right?
so todays blog is going to be about me because i know the majority of you dont really know me that well and some of you dont know me at all..
My name is Cari Catherine Carl.  Thats why you may hear people call me C3 or other things that have to do with the letter C and the number Three.  I was born on May 14, 1993 at 6:15 to Valeri Hook and David Carl who were married the December before I blasted my way into this world.  I have a little brother named David Jr., we call him DJ, but sometimes i call him buger. I have an older sister named Stephani McNair, we have different dads so were technically only half sisters but that never crosses my mind. She is my very best friend and practically raised me.  Last year on October 28 she gave birth to my beautiful nephew Jordan Andrew Gonzolez and he is my world.  Its funny how such a little guy who cant even talk cant brighten up my day in less than a second. 
I attended Linclon elementary school where i met my other best friend Dina Baker.  She threw up on me in the 1st grade but i still love her.  Alot of memories come to my mind when i think of lincoln but there are too many for just this one blog alone.  Although i will say Rest in Paridise Mr.Morgan.
Mr.Morgan was a man of many talents. and teaching was one of them... i can honestly say i would not be the person i am today without him.. he molded us lincoln students as people as well as students and i will be forever greatful to him for that.
I currently am a Senior at Manteca High School and have attended MHS since i began high school.. in my high school years i have gained friends and lost them.. I am very proud to say though i did meet my other best friend Nicole Coburn when we were freshman.  You may have heard that i hated her when i first met her and truth is i did. but that was because im a prejudger.  Or i can be at least. but half way through my freshman year i transfered into Mrs.Hasketts first period honors english class where Nicole and i became closer.  I guess i should say thank you Mrs.Haskett for that.
Well this is enough for today i think.. Adios

Thing i often do or say

• brush my teeth
• play with my hair.
• write (i write too much)
• wash my feet.
• "oh we dont talk about that"
• "i know right?"
• "uhhhh"
• listen to my ipod
• watch the same movie multiple times in one day
• dance
• sing out of key
• like people who put me in the friend zone (yes this happens to girls too)
• shop
• "im just sayin"
• "lets get down to busines...." (mulan fans know the rest of that)
• tell the same stories
• eat pizza every wednesday (dollar slice!!!)
• eat ice cream every tuesday (dollar scoop!)
• drive around with nicole
• farmers market with my sister.
• walk aimlessly
• dance in the rain.
• fall for jerks
• dont fall for the good guys.
• let things get to me...

im sure ill find mor to add to this list... so when i do ill start another :)

Im Torn

What would you do if you had the power to destroy a life of two made into one, in the palm of your hand?  What if you didnt see it as a power but rather a burden?
 I hate this. Having this much weight on my shoulders.  I dont want to keep it in.   I see you every day and i want to spill my beans.  Want to let you know the horrible things ive heard, for your familys sake.  For your brothers sake.  I may not know him.. but i know how much he means to you.  Him being hurt would cause you pain as well, i know it.  I care too much about you to see you in the least bit of pain, but i cant let you know that. ha.
i wish i could just say this stuff.  but i cant. not to those who need to hear it most. i dont have the courage for that...
but honestly... heres the deal.  ill change the names so you all wont have to deal with the burdens.  the characters will be completely real with minor changes made to them to make them unrecognizable.

this past sunday i hung out with one of my ex's from freshman year.. well call him Ted.
he told me a story about one of his ex's we'll call her Jessie.
Jessie is married to my good friend Steve's older brother Chris.
Chris is in irag.
Jessie misses him dearly.
thats the only explanation i can come up with from the events of mine and Teds conversation.

basically Ted told me that Jessie has been telling him that she doesnt wanna be married to Chris anymore. and that she has been acting crazy.. Ted knows Jessie really loves Chris, but he's starting to believe that she still loves him too.
like i said my only explanation for this is that her feelings coming back for Ted is a direct result of Chris being in irag and not being physically here for her to love.. when Chris is right down the street.  i honestly want this to all just be some misunderstanding.  i want to talk to her. but i dont want to confront her over facebook or any other online server... and im nervous. what if it is the truth.  how am i to keep that in...

Go Big Green.

so how bout them buffaloes aye?  the game this past friday was absolutely amazing and i will be remembering it for years to come.  i got really into the game this time as those of you may know.  trevor nicole and i made go fight win signs... and i danced... alot.  not to flatering i know. but hey ya gotta love it!  anyways im gonna tell you a little story from part of my night... a story im not to proud of but one that i hope you all will get a little chuckle out of..  so im sitting in the herd being the amazing person that i am when all of a sudden i notice this awkwardly adorable guy staring at me with an odd expression on his face which kindof made me mad so i looked at him and said "do you even go to this school?" to which he replied
"uhhh yeah"
and basically the conversation went on like this:
"well what grade are you in?"
"im a freshman..."
"ohhhhhh are you mrs.silvas little brother?"
"how did you know that?"
"oh im her best friend"
"im sorry..."
and well basically i felt so awkward for thinking a little kid was cute let alone mrs.silvas kid brother i wanted to die.. lol not really but basically... we had another conversation and it went like this...
me: "hey kid"
him: "uhhh i have a name"
"and what is it?"
"steven"
"can i call you steviepoo?"
"you can call me whatever you want as long as its not hey kid"
steven rubles offical nickname is now steviepoo to all of you that know him so you must call him that! lol anyways as the game went on i kept losing people to hold up the go sign (i dont know why but people just didnt want to hold the dang go) so eventually steviepoo decided to be the go and we got hecka into it. i think he was the best go holder we could have ever gotten to hold it because not only did he hold the go but he danced with me and cheered with me and stood for the whole last couple minutes of the game holding up the number one (one more baby one more!)  so basically hes legit. ohhh and i cant forget about chelsea 2E she was the win and im pretty sure she rocked it hard!  it was the best. keep up the good work boys! make this a season to remember forever

My thoughts go round and round

so life, i have decided, is a very confusing thing.  wait i take that back.  life isnt confusing it the people in it that make things more complicated than they need to be therefore making it confusing.  something that has been on my mind lately is friendly jestures.  can they be more than nothing or less than something?  or should we not think about them in any extreme way at all and leave them at the fact that they were nothing out of the ordinary at all?  its all too confusing for me.  ive realized i ask alot of questions.  and some are questions that not neccessarily everyone or anyone can give me the answer to.  like why can the counting crowes solve every single one of my problems?  or why do people insist on using the word depression all the time?  or whats going through a cheating mothers head while she's getting beat to a pulp by the man she threw her whole life away for?  most of my questions begin with why.. and i figured that things have to happen for there to be a why in the first place right? so where do all my questions go on at?  is there a secret world where all my why questions are being acted out therefore giving me the amunition for my why questions...? its crazy to think about the what if.  or maybe its just me thats crazy

Healthy and Happy.

happy saturday everyone, and great game last night buffs.  so im just sitting here watching what a girl wants and i decided it was time to blog..  im gonna tell you all about my weekend so far starting off with friday because friday is the weekend to me i dunno about you guys. well friday was sort of a good day in the end.  it started off with me falling and hitting my head in the theatre about ten minutes before the senior walk in rally.  i ended up chipping my front left big tooth and scraping my knee.  im so smart i know. then the senior walk in rally was sorta lame because really who forgets to call the picture guy? really?  after about an hour of moping around my house i had golf which wasnt tooo bad for once.  but i think it was only because we had a short practice.  afterwards i went to the football games.  good job jvbuffs and varsity buffs again. a bunch of friends and i met up at our friend mikeys house after. it was such a blast! we went swimming and listened to some beasty music..  and when i finally got to sleep i went to sleep happy so i think overall it was a very emotionally productive day.. but today. now thats a whole nother story. i havent done anything.  ive actually slept for most of it.  hopefully i get to do something fun before my saturday is completely wasted.

Decision made.

after reading the comments on my current situation i have made a decision. and quite frankly i think its one of the smartest decisions ive made in a long time.  after a week of wondering.  im positive this is the best decision for me.  i wanna thank everyone who commented on my last post.  your words were very powerful and helped me realize everything i should have known for the past year. thank you again.  and as for the sickness, well its leaving! and im extatic.  i cant wait to be a healthy Cari again.  being sick is seriously the biggest downer of them all.
anyways this weekend is shaping up to be a rather enjoyable one. yesterday night the ching-a-ling, twevor, riskybusiness and i watched the haunting in conneticut.(i really cannot spell today) it was not a wise choice being as im deathly afraid of the paranormal. good thing i did not have any nightmares. (yes i get nightmares still from scary movies like a little baby) and today i get to hang out with my P.I.C(partner in crime) i havent been able to hang out with her in the longest time. and hopefully tomorrow ill get to see fred. my senior year isnt turning out exactly how i had imagined it would. but im still happy and to me thats all that matters in life.

Sickness will be the end of me

so i have established that losing my voice is one of the worst things that can happen to me.  for those of you who know me, you know that i talk alot. well not alot. alot would be an understatement. but i dont know any words that mean more than a lot. so like i said i talk alot. and me not being able to talk would be like... hmm... empting out Donald Trumps bank account. if you get that analogy. haha. well today has been not a good day. its hard listening to your words come out of someone elses mouth (even if she is your best friend). it made me feel helpless, like i had no voice of my own, like i wasnt important enough for a voice. i know that seems big but thats honestly how i felt.  dont get me wrong nicole did a fantastic job reading what i wrote, shes the only person who i would have wanted to read it because we are such close friends but there is a certian feeling a writer puts into their reading because they know exactly how they want it to be read. they know exactly what word to put the emphasis on in a sentence. they know what words their scribbles actually mean. they just know. they wrote it. i know this shouldnt bug me as much as it does but writing is something really very personal to me.  its been my escape for as long as i remember. from a letter to my best friend in the sixth grade to a chicken scratch poem writen for my mom in kindergarten to the words ive writen in my creative writing note book for the past several months. its all been and expression, an escape, an adventure im waiting to have. its been something i wish i was and something im glad im not. its been my truth and my lies. its been my imagination. its been me. 
anyways besides the nonvoicehavingness ive been really grumpy all day (another reason why today sucks) and when im grumpy i take it out on the people closest to me and then they get mad at me and its one big long cycle that really isnt worth my time but constantly goes on anyway because i can never seem to control my horrible grumpyness. thats something i need to work on this year so that i can be closer to my goal of being a better person before i have to be thrown into the real world filled with people who really arent gonna care about anything. i will refuse to be like them. i will always care. its in my dna.
with all this comes what happened last night (which is the main reason why my day today sucked butt).  a person who has long been out of my life decided to pop back into it.  he sent me a friend request on facebook. (really facebook? wow your really cool) and its still sitting there. i dont know if i have enough energy to be his friend.  every time he "wants to be friends" it always sky rockets out of control and im the one left hurt.  but at the same time im always the one who lets him back in.  im the one who cares to much for my own good. so im torn. i dont know what to do. do i accept the stupid friend request and take the risk of getting hurt again or possibly it going smoothly. or do i deny it right off the bat and never know what was the real motive.. because thats what its always about with him. its always about the motive. but until i make up my mind im torn. i wish things werent always so complicated. but we make them that way i guess.