There's A Big Difference.

your smell, it lingers on my skin.
and with the sudden startling aroama filling my nostrils I am taken back to my time with you.

your sweet mohogany eyes starting into mine only inches away.  your arms rapped around me tightly.  keeping me warm and aware of your pressence.  your noses' cold tip gently caresses mine. more intamate then the most passionate kiss.  your words like a song flowing continuously into my ears. my favorite lullaby.  my fingers run though your never tangled hair.  and i get lost.

my heart is pounding and I cant find my way to the truth.

your lying brown eyes minipulating mine only inches away.  your arms rapped around me tightly.  uncaring and aware of the fact I love you.   your noses' ice cold tip bumps into mine.  urging and having only one dirty deed on your mind.  your words so fakely adoring.  every syllable perfectly placed where I want to hear it.  I run my hair through your ratted hair.  and i am found.

Every time i hear your voice in a crowded room.  Everytime i see your car parked against the street curb.  Everytime i feel your eyes staring at me walking by.  my heart wavers a bit from the truth and me hating you to my dream and me loving you. 

you pulled the silk over my eyes. and when i pulled it off it was only dirty wool. 

I am.

I am Cari.  I am a girl.  I have blue eyes when I'm sad, grey eyes when I'm numb to emotion, and green when I'm too pissed off to put my anger into words.  I have crooked teeth.  I have a third nipple and a baby toe that turns on its side when I walk.  I have long brown hair and its my favorite thing about myself.  There isn't many other things I like about myself but there is always my hair.  I have broad shoulders and ear holes that are too big.  I have short legs and long fingers.  I have my fathers nose and my mothers lips, but I have the mind I have created on my own.

I am Cari.  I am a middle child. I am the grand daughter of two women who lost their lives to cancer.  I am the grand daughter of a cancer surviver.  I am the grand daughter of a WWII veteran.  I am the grand daughter of a woman strong enough to give a baby boy up for adoption.  I am the daughter of an addict. I am the daughter of a welfare recipient.  I am the neice of a man who commited suicide.  I am the neice of a heroine addict.  I am the neice of a dislexic woman.  I am the neice of a recovered addict who has her life together again.  I am the sister of an unwed mother.  I am the sister of a violent young boy.  I am the aunt of a little boy who will be better than those before him.

I am Cari.  I am opinionated.  I cannot stand to watch my loved ones be beaten, verbally or physically.  I am crazy and sarcastic.  I can keep you on your toes or let you walk all over me.  I think best when I'm alone.  I have no fashion sense.  I am pro choice.  I walk everywhere because its my cure for life.  I have made monumental mistakes in my life.  I have nightmares more often than I have pleasant dreams.  I sleep talk.  I am a victim and a strong willed human being.  I can over come any obsticle layed before me.  I have never been one to bow down to the steriotypical kingdom of high school. I can't get enough music in my system.  I can watch the same movie seven times in a row if I like it enough.  I will make a difference in the world around me.

I am Cari.  There are too many things about me to put in one blog, for your unknowing eyes to read, to let myself think about in one short period of time.  but heres a look through the window of the house I call my life. Maybe I'll invite you in sometime.

Truth

yesterday i had a dream.
it was dark.
and all i could hear was your voice.
the sweet changes in its tone,
as you went on about the conversation.
the slight lisp youd let me see,
when you knew we were alone.
the way you couldnt quite think of the right words,
so youd hmm like a philosopher deep in thought.
the giggles that would sneek out,
when you knew you said something odd.

yesterday i had a dream.
it was pitch black.
all i could hear was your voice.
i couldnt see the pure green of your eyes,
simple and always too honest.
i couldnt see the pout of your pink lip,
the one imperfection i used to love the most.
i couldnt see the way your body tenses up when you feel sincerely about something,
my one true warning sign that id traveled into deeper water.
i couldnt see the pain flooding over your face,
when i pushed the wrong button.

yesterday i had a nightmare.
it was pitch black.
all i could hear was your voice.
when i woke up all i could do was stare at the ceiling.
my head throbbed from the pain,
that filled my heart.
and i knew,
somehow i knew.
i missed you

Tonight.

i feel great and horrible at the same time.  the powder puff game was exhillarating.  to finally be the one on the feild when the stadium lights are on.. boy. thats a change of perspective.  Good Job Seniors! we proved who should always run this school. when i say it was horrible what i mean is that i was a witch with a capital b.  i said some mean things to someone who i genuinely care for but hurt me really bad and he took them literally.  Yeah... dont get me wrong it made me laugh but still... its kinda like i really dont wanna be the person im being.  If i was on the recieving end of that comment i dont think i would appreciate it very much...  maybe im over thinking it.  maybe he doesnt care like he never has. i dont know... a girl can always dream though...

i should have blogged about it when i had the chance

so basically my life was going splendidly.  my problems were just a speed bump in the back of my mind.  my friends were amazing as usual.  and i had an amazing boy to redirect my thoughts too.  he really was amazing though.  saying every phrase perfectly at all the right moments.  then everything fell apart because of me.. you see on occasion i have a hard time showing emotion towards anyone, even family members mind you, and well the boys brother who is in kowait (i cant spell) bought him and his father tickets to the first game of the world series..  while on the phone with his brother he began to cry.. (when i care about someone if i see them cry it automatically brings tears to my eyes) so i had to turn away.  after all that he came up to me, gave me a hug, and apologized for being so emotional.. i had no words so i blurted out "i couldnt even look at you" (i hate my word vomit very very much) being as he didnt know my little thing about crying he got incredibly defencive. well anyway basically what happened is where not what we were anymore.  and thats why ive been all down lately and the reason why i cried on monday.. i know its stupid of me to cry over a boy. but what you all dont know is it is really hard for me to care about people in that very special way that i care about him.. i havent ever felt this towards someone. not even kenneth for those of you who know that situation.. im so broken up inside currently i dont know what to do with my self.  
He says he doesnt know what he wants and that hes fifty fifty on the fence with what hes going to do and honestly im scared to death of what could happen.. and on top of that i dont know whether i should wait or not.. dont get me wrong he'll always be worth the wait but i dont want to end up flat on my face just like my other situation caused me to be. im just scared. i wish he could understand that. ive tried to explain it to him but he is such a hard head... its pointless to even try.
i hope things go my way but its a common in my life for things to take a turn for the worst when i want them the most.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait.

Let me start off with, my weekend was absolutely amazing.  it all started when some friends and i decided that we were going to ride up to sonora for the football game together.  the ride up there was pretty funny i wont lie. The game was amazing. Good Job Buffs! keep up the good work.  but the ride home thats what really made the big impact on my entire weekend.  The friends that I rode up to Sonora with were Timmey, Tyler, and Mikey.  Lately Mikey and I have been going back and forth about how we feel about one another but finallly on the ride home the truth came out.
He kissed me. and honestly it was the last thing I ever expected to happen between him and I.  and it wasnt just one of those meaningless kisses either it was one that made my stomach turn in knots and left me speachless.  Its been so long since I've felt that with someone. It made me absolutely the happiest girl in the world.
With all this I cant help but be alittle scared though. 
I've been through alot in my life and its been god knows how long since I genuinely felt something this strong towards someone.  And what makes it even harder is the fact that the last person I felt like this towards took advantage of the situation to the T.  I know I shouldnt compare the too and in a way Im not. but Gahhh with all that alarming fear in my gut I cant help but wonder why I'm still giving everything towards this relationship that hasnt even become something real yet.  Maybe everything really does happen for a reason...?

My Life in Ruins

so basically most of you know that lately my life hasnt been... well... up to par. but what you guys dont know is that its gotten a bit worse. well tuesday i got the unpleasing news that my water had been turned off excellent right? wrong. wednesday i talked to mrs.coyan about all the not so great things that are going down in my life and she gave me a new way to look at it. there comes a point in life where the bad things pile up so high that theres nothing that you can do but look at it comically.  some times i dont know what i would do without mrs.coyan. she's always there with her momish anecdotes and her explanations for every question i can think of. dont get me wrong mrs.haskett is amazing at most of these things as well its just i dunno mrs.coyan is just well... mrs.coyan. im definitely going to miss her so much once i graduate. ill probably come back and see her all the time.  well sorry for the continuous lower case writing. its just somethings just have to come out so fast that there isnt time to worry about capitalization.